Growing Through My Deepest Loss

Note: The following is a detailed account of my physical, emotional, and spiritual experiences with miscarriage.

I can't even describe it. The gut wrenching shock as the doctor looked at the ultrasound and said, "The heartbeat has stopped." I didn't even get it right away. I just sat there and looked at her; I had absolutely no reaction until I got in my car and had to call and tell Ethan. Then the reality of it hit me full force and I lost it completely. I cried all afternoon. More than that, I wept. I don't think I knew there was a difference before.

I barely slept that night. Or for several nights after. I got up the next day feeling achy from head to toe, as if I had a fever, and the cramping and bleeding started. Thankfully, that was when the support started, too. Phone calls, e-mails, flowers and cards in the mail. Most just said, "We're praying for you," but I couldn't think of anything else I needed more. I cried much less that day, and even laughed some. God really does provide.

My flu-like symptoms lasted 3 more days. I mostly spent them lying on the couch. My goal of every day was to distract myself as much as possible. It is good to mourn a loss, it is not good to wallow in self-pity. I mourned by talking through things with Ethan. He let me talk. He let me cry. He even let me sit around and do nothing as much as I wanted. I had so many questions: How did the heartbeat just stop, when it appeared to be healthy a week ago? Why was I feeling so content most of the time, and why did that make me feel guilty? Why did crying about it make me feel so weak? How could I know if my baby was in heaven? Was it enough that I just believed? Will I be able to overcome my intense fear of getting pregnant again?

Thursday I came across this saying on a website I visited: "Lord, I wanted to hold this child in my arms and tell him all about You. But I never got to do that, so could you hold him in your arms and tell him all about me?" When I read that I was finally able to face everything I had lost. For the first time, I could cry for what I was missing, for the ache I felt because I would never get to cuddle and kiss my baby. I cried harder than I ever have before in my life. But when I finally stopped crying I had a calming peace come over me, because I knew my child was allowed to skip his life on this sinful earth and spend his entire existence in paradise. What more could a mother want for her child than to never have to experience sin and pain?

Thursday night I actually slept through the night, albeit with the help of Tylenol PM. It was still an amazing relief. Friday I felt better again, emotionally (every day was a baby step), though very tired, considering I had slept well for the first time all week. That evening my parents arrived for the weekend. I was feeling a little better, and we decided to go out for supper. As we got up to leave the restaurant, my cramps got suddenly worse. By the time we got home I was passing large pieces of tissue (some larger than a golf ball) and large amounts of blood. I was bleeding so much that I couldn't do anything but sit on the toilet for the next two and a half hours. Those two and a half hours were the worst physical thing I have ever gone through. But even then the Lord provided. The timing of the miscarriage itself was a blessing, because my mom was there to bring me juice, the heating pad for my back pain, and just to sit with me and offer comfort and advice. Having her here for that part of the whole experience was a great blessing for me and Ethan.

By about 12:15 that evening the bleeding had slowed down enough that I could take a bath and go to bed. I felt completely physically exhausted, I couldn't do anything but lay in my bed and sleep. The next day I still felt very weak and tired (from losing so much blood), and my back was very sore. I spent the day on the couch once again, while my mom cleaned the house and took care of Jacen, and Ethan and my dad worked on the yard. By Sunday I was feeling so much better physically; my aches were gone and I was finally feeling well rested. The physical boost gave me an amazing spiritual and emotional boost as well.

That Sunday is a week past already. I am definitely not completely healed yet, as evidenced by the tears shed while writing this, but I do feel like I am in a better place in life. I have been so overwhelmed by the amount of love, prayers, and support we have received from family, friends, and the church. Knowing that you are greatly loved is a blessing like no other. I still have questions and concerns, especially as we start looking ahead to trying for another baby. I have learned, though, that my emotions are not a bad thing in and of themselves, and that it is good and completely natural for me to mourn this loss today, and even for months and years to come. God blesses us through every experience, and even in my mourning I have found so many reasons to praise Him.