Baby?

I expected to have more emotions and misgivings about this pregnancy after losing the last one. It's true that I've gone through the whole thing understanding that something could go wrong at any time, but for the most part I have been able to completely enjoy being pregnant. There is one major difference, however. I am enjoying the fact that I am pregnant, but I don't really feel like there will be a baby at the end of the whole process. I look at the milestones of this pregnancy completely different than I did with Jacen. Maybe when I get into my 2nd trimester I'll feel like we're having a baby, or when we hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, or when I feel those first fluttery movements. But all of those have passed and I'm no closer to being sure that, come July I'll actually deliver a healthy baby. I keep telling myself that we heard the heartbeat last time, or look at all the people I've talked to that lost their baby at 19 weeks or later, and those flutters are probably indigestion, not the baby. So I keep looking ahead. Maybe if I get past the half-way point I'll feel better, or after we see the baby on the ultrasound, or after we find out the gender. Maybe.