This week Jacen learned how to open the fridge door. He also learned how to open the door from the house to the garage, and from the garage to the back yard. And he figured out how to get things out of the kitchen drawers (can opener, pizza cutter...). My life suddenly seems much more hectic.

San Antonio Vacation

Visiting the airplanes displayed on Lackland AFB, where my brother is stationed.

San Antonio zoo. This panther thought Jacen looked like lunch.

Sea World! Jacen loved the Shamu show, and looking at the fish, sharks, and jellyfish in the aquarium.

River walk. We ate at an awesome authentic mexican restaurant. We also tried to see the Alamo, but it closed about 10 minutes after we got there. We did, however, teach Jacen to say, "Remember the Alamo!"

Botanical Garden. Grandpa is good at spotting ducks and fish and turtles and things.

We spent most of our afternoons at Brandon and Sarah's house playing games, since it was 105 degrees outside.

Family pic at church on Sunday. L to R: Ethan, me and Jacen, my Dad and Mom, my brother Brandon and SIL Sarah

We had a great trip! We also went to a waterpark one day, but had too much fun to get out the camera. Our trip was a great mix of seeing the local sights and just hanging out and spending time together. It was relaxing for me because Jacen was happy to spend all his time with Grandpa and Grandma, and they were more than happy to take care of him the whole week.

Tulip Festival

Last week we went to the Tulip Festival in Orange City, IA. It's a Dutch Heritage Festival where they have parades(with bands that march in wooden shoes), Dutch food (sausajes, Dutch puppies, poffertjes, etc.), and Dutch dances and songs performed by the people of Orange City dressed in authentic costumes (including my parents and parents-in-law). This year we even got a costume for Jacen. Here he is looking at the canal in Windmill Park.

We had to get some pictures with the tulips. Tulip gardens are everywhere in Orange City. They were blooming right on time for the Festival this year. Beautiful!

Waiting for the puppet show to start. They use Dutch-style puppets and perform old Dutch folk tales. The story was cute, but generally cheesy. What more could you ask for from a puppet show?

Before every parade they scrub the streets (Dutch cleanliness) to prepare it for the Tulip Queen and her Court. Grandpa and Grandma took Jacen. He got soaked and loved every minute of it. Unfortunately, his pants were big enough that when the ankles were wet they pulled the whole pants down. Good thing he's too young to worry about modesty!

href="http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v23/240/112/148301045/n148301045_30037870_7799.jpg">Just for interest sake, this is me at the Orange City Tulip Festival when I was in high school with my dancing partner.

Growing Through My Deepest Loss

Note: The following is a detailed account of my physical, emotional, and spiritual experiences with miscarriage.

I can't even describe it. The gut wrenching shock as the doctor looked at the ultrasound and said, "The heartbeat has stopped." I didn't even get it right away. I just sat there and looked at her; I had absolutely no reaction until I got in my car and had to call and tell Ethan. Then the reality of it hit me full force and I lost it completely. I cried all afternoon. More than that, I wept. I don't think I knew there was a difference before.

I barely slept that night. Or for several nights after. I got up the next day feeling achy from head to toe, as if I had a fever, and the cramping and bleeding started. Thankfully, that was when the support started, too. Phone calls, e-mails, flowers and cards in the mail. Most just said, "We're praying for you," but I couldn't think of anything else I needed more. I cried much less that day, and even laughed some. God really does provide.

My flu-like symptoms lasted 3 more days. I mostly spent them lying on the couch. My goal of every day was to distract myself as much as possible. It is good to mourn a loss, it is not good to wallow in self-pity. I mourned by talking through things with Ethan. He let me talk. He let me cry. He even let me sit around and do nothing as much as I wanted. I had so many questions: How did the heartbeat just stop, when it appeared to be healthy a week ago? Why was I feeling so content most of the time, and why did that make me feel guilty? Why did crying about it make me feel so weak? How could I know if my baby was in heaven? Was it enough that I just believed? Will I be able to overcome my intense fear of getting pregnant again?

Thursday I came across this saying on a website I visited: "Lord, I wanted to hold this child in my arms and tell him all about You. But I never got to do that, so could you hold him in your arms and tell him all about me?" When I read that I was finally able to face everything I had lost. For the first time, I could cry for what I was missing, for the ache I felt because I would never get to cuddle and kiss my baby. I cried harder than I ever have before in my life. But when I finally stopped crying I had a calming peace come over me, because I knew my child was allowed to skip his life on this sinful earth and spend his entire existence in paradise. What more could a mother want for her child than to never have to experience sin and pain?

Thursday night I actually slept through the night, albeit with the help of Tylenol PM. It was still an amazing relief. Friday I felt better again, emotionally (every day was a baby step), though very tired, considering I had slept well for the first time all week. That evening my parents arrived for the weekend. I was feeling a little better, and we decided to go out for supper. As we got up to leave the restaurant, my cramps got suddenly worse. By the time we got home I was passing large pieces of tissue (some larger than a golf ball) and large amounts of blood. I was bleeding so much that I couldn't do anything but sit on the toilet for the next two and a half hours. Those two and a half hours were the worst physical thing I have ever gone through. But even then the Lord provided. The timing of the miscarriage itself was a blessing, because my mom was there to bring me juice, the heating pad for my back pain, and just to sit with me and offer comfort and advice. Having her here for that part of the whole experience was a great blessing for me and Ethan.

By about 12:15 that evening the bleeding had slowed down enough that I could take a bath and go to bed. I felt completely physically exhausted, I couldn't do anything but lay in my bed and sleep. The next day I still felt very weak and tired (from losing so much blood), and my back was very sore. I spent the day on the couch once again, while my mom cleaned the house and took care of Jacen, and Ethan and my dad worked on the yard. By Sunday I was feeling so much better physically; my aches were gone and I was finally feeling well rested. The physical boost gave me an amazing spiritual and emotional boost as well.

That Sunday is a week past already. I am definitely not completely healed yet, as evidenced by the tears shed while writing this, but I do feel like I am in a better place in life. I have been so overwhelmed by the amount of love, prayers, and support we have received from family, friends, and the church. Knowing that you are greatly loved is a blessing like no other. I still have questions and concerns, especially as we start looking ahead to trying for another baby. I have learned, though, that my emotions are not a bad thing in and of themselves, and that it is good and completely natural for me to mourn this loss today, and even for months and years to come. God blesses us through every experience, and even in my mourning I have found so many reasons to praise Him.

Baby #2

We found out about 2 weeks ago that we are expecting another baby! We're due Thanksgiving weekend, which means I'm 8-9 weeks along. So far this pregnancy is totally different from my first. I have morning sickness at least 10 hours a day, and really bad, too. My doctor gave me a prescription to keep me from throwing up, and I've been drinking Gatorade to keep from getting dehydrated. I've also been super tired, and sleep whenever Jacen does (sometimes more). Other than that, things seem pretty normal. We had an ultrasound today, and the baby looks really healthy. The heart beat was at 176 BPM, up from 122 BPM at our first appointment. I'll try to keep things updated as we go. We ask everyone to join us in praying for our baby.

Always Reading

Jacen and I spend so much time every day reading together, I thought I'd include a list of our favorite books.

If you Give a Mouse a Cookie, by Laura Numeroff
A B C, by Dr. Seuss
Hop on Pop, by Dr. Seuss
One Fish Two Fish, by Dr. Seuss
Morris the Moose, by B. Wiseman
How Does a Dinosaur Eat All His Food?, by Jane Yolen and Mark Teague
Kiss Goodnight, by Amy Hest
Max Cleans Up (Max and Ruby), by Rosemary Wells
Put Me In the Zoo, by Robert Lopshire
Good Night, Gorilla, by Peggy Rathman

Palm Sunday

Jacen made this tambourine in Sunday School, and has been dancing around the house all week shouting, "Hosanna!"